A Mask
By Lauren Alyse
Why must I be happy all the time?
This question is what I repeated day in and day out,
whenever I was told to smile or fix my attitude.
Do they fear my emotions?
My usual bright smile and infectious laughter,
replaced by an icy glare, biting words, and endless tears.
I don't blame them for rejecting this.
The inconsistency of my emotions,
Is something I don’t even want to see.
While hoping for acceptance,
I bury any negative feeling deep within myself.
Only letting positive energy reach the surface.
Sadness
Fear
Anger
Let's not feel them today.
Is what I say,
Everyday.
With a smile, I mask my aching heart.
---
I see you.
Those three little words are the most nerve-wracking.
To be seen,
far beyond my appearance is something I wish never to occur.
A steady gaze filtering past all the walls
Put in place to protect my heart.
Capturing every bit of me
Clear as photographs
-----
It happened during the dog days.
My room, a box of sweltering stagnant heat
even as we slipped into the wee hours of the morning.
My body laid bare on cotton sheets;
my nightgown pushed up and off an hour ago.
Even as I laid there, my skin dripping in sweat,
the lack of clothing wasn't the cause of my nakedness.
It was due to my friend's voice.
His words tumbled out of my cellphone.
Question by question,
our emotional intimacy increased.
With each answer, he uncovered more truth.
I see you, he said.
And I knew he meant it.
My heart and mind felt more exposed than they have ever been.
---
He saw how I used my bright smile like armor.
Hiding the storm raging inside my heart.
Obscuring the tears on the brink of spilling.
A turmoil of emotions,
churning back and forth.
The fear of rejection and judgment.
The fear of disappointment.
The fear of not being enough.
He could see that despite all this fear.
There was a hope that I would be accepted.
All of me.
Not just my sunny personality.
I wanted someone to accept the side that resembles a tropical storm.
The part of me that was unsure, inconsistent, and pessimistic."
Acceptance is sometimes hard to find.
But how can I be upset when others don't.
Even I have a hard time accepting myself.
Accepting all of me.
---
While I had spilled my heart out to him that night
I felt my heart heal as the minutes flew by.
You don't have to be happy all the time.
This reassurance is like a warm hug on a bad day.
It's okay to be not okay.
